The Conclusion - Chapter 4 - How Do I Explain This?

Bertrand and I talked for two more nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning. And as our conversation progressed, I felt such a strong, undeniable connection to him. Bertrand confessed his feelings toward me and we decided we should meet as soon as we could to see if there was a connection in person. We both grabbed our calendars and jumped on-line to look at ticket availability and pricing. We decided it would be best for him to come my way - to Arizona. And so we made plans for him to fly in December 9, 2004 (one month from our first phone conversation).

By the end of the conversation that night, as I hung up the phone I had this overwhelming feeling that I could marry this guy. I could see myself with him forever. And yet, he was still a stranger to me in so many ways.

"I think I must just be so tired. I'm just enamored with this guy and we haven't even met and he may not feel the same way and...this is just crazy", I thought out loud to myself. I laid awake for a while, my mind racing with so many thoughts.

What was happening to me? "I still have a boyfriend", I quickly reminded myself. I had no idea where he was or why he wasn't calling me back, but where I left off with him last - we were still very much in a serious relationship. I rolled onto my side, closed my eyes and tried to envision my boyfriend and my relationship with him in my head...but I drew a complete blank. In fact, the image of his face was quickly fading from my memory. It had only been three days since I had seen him.

I heaved a frustrated sigh and rolled back onto my back, staring up at my bedroom ceiling and thinking of Bertrand. I could feel the muscles in my face automatically turning up the sides of my mouth. I was smiling. I closed my eyes, breathed a deep, cleansing breath and rolled onto my other side and thought about my three nights of conversation with him. I needed help on this one. I felt like I was in completely uncharted territory. In all of my years of dating experiences, I had never experienced anything close to this. I rolled out of my bed and landed on my knees.

"God", I said aloud. "I have no idea what's happening to me. I feel like this guy is so great. He wants all of the same things I want. And he's so brave and strong. I admire him so much. And I can see myself with him. I really can. I can actually see myself married to him. And...okay, I know. This is crazy because I've never met him and maybe I'm just losing my mind, but I'm not sure. And I just...I need help here. Am I out of my mind or this guy a good choice for me?"

I immediately felt this warmth envelope me and tears began to form in my eyes. I straightened up and wiped the tears from my eyes, sniffling. "Okay, what is WRONG with me?" I said aloud and began to laugh. "I'm so tired right now." I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers up around me, my heart tingling with warmth. I closed my eyes, a grin plastered across my lips, and fell asleep.

The next night, I climbed into bed with my phone, excited for another long night of conversation with Bertrand. A couple of hours into our conversation, talk of what we wanted in a marriage surfaced yet again. I had this urge to tell him, "I prayed about you last night and I feel like you're a good choice for me". Yeah right! How would he take it? I couldn't do it. I tried to build up the courage several times, but my cowardice won out.

"I prayed about you." Suddenly Bertrand blurted this out to me. I gasped and remained silent. My jaw fell open and my eyes widened.

"Y-you did?"I asked in disbelief.

"Are you scared?" He asked hesitantly.

"Actually...no."I responded. "I prayed about you too".

"Are you serious?" He began to laugh and my nervous giggle set in.

After about one more hour of conversation we determined that we should marry. Just like that. It was so matter of fact. And yet it just felt so right. Absolutely insane, but so right for us somehow. After several more hours of conversation and planning out how we could possibly pull that off and who would move where and how we would merge our two very well established lives in separate states, we said good night and, for the first time uttered the words, "I love you" to each other. And it felt so comfortable and normal.

I laid back in my bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling again. Suddenly doubt set in.

"Okay, how can I marry this guy? I mean, I feel like I love him for several different reasons, but I've never dated him. I've only known him a few nights. I mean - how can I marry a guy I'm not "in love" with?" I spoke aloud to myself again. I needed to hear myself say the words. I needed a reality check...or something. Reassurance was what I needed, once again.

Again, I rolled out of bed, landed on my knees, clasped my hands together, took a deep breath, slowly released it and began, "Heavenly Father, I need your help again. I mean, I feel like marrying him is right, but how can I marry a guy I'm not in love with?"

And after several minutes of silence and thinking this over in my head, the answer came to me, "You will fall in love with him. You will...in time." And my eyes welled up with tears again. And a lump formed in my throat. And I felt the warmth envelope me again. I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard, nodding my head, the tears now rolling down my cheeks.

"Okay," I whispered aloud. "I trust you."

And I crawled into bed and fell into a heavy sleep.

The following afternoon a very close girlfriend of mine called up to say hi and see what I was up to lately.

"Cleaning my cupboards and drawers and closets out", I responded.

"What? Are you moving?" She asked in surprise. "What's going on with you?"

"I'm getting married", I said very matter of factly.

I heard her laugh through the phone. "You're such a liar. I'm not falling for it this time." (I have a reputation for practical jokes.)

"Actually, I'm not," I said, giggling nervously.

I could hear her gasp through the phone, "Are you marrying ___________?" (She was speaking of my boyfriend.)

"Nope", I said. "I haven't even heard from him in days. He won't return my calls or come around. I have no idea where he is".

"Okay. What?" She asked - completely confused.

And so I proceeded to explain about meeting this Frenchman on-line the night after my last gig and how we hit it off and talked for several hours night after night and then decided to just get married. It sounded completely ridiculous to me as I listened to the words coming out of my mouth in explanation to my completely baffled friend. But, in my heart, I knew it was right. I knew what I felt. I knew that I had received an answer from God. I knew I had to do this, no matter what anybody thought.

"I'm coming over," my friend spouted out in concern.

"Okay," I replied.

"Okay? That's okay? I need to come talk to you. I'm really worried about you."

I laughed and invited her again.

Within minutes she was there. I threw the door open, a big grin on my face, and laughed. She had her arms folded across her chest, a stern look on her face. "Okay, WHAT is going on?" She almost reprimanded.

"I told you," I giggled nervously. I didn't know how to handle this situation. I didn't know if my friend would try to have me committed. I had never dealt with any of this before.

We talked for several minutes as I continued cleaning out my cupboards, making room for my soon-to-be husband and his things. And finally, the burning question smacked me:

"What if he's not even a good kisser, Kristin? You've never kissed him. Have you thought about that? I mean, what if you kiss him and it's not good?" I froze mid cupboard-emptying and thought about that for a second. I had never thought about that. That thought had never even entered my mind. It seemed so irrelevant.

I slowly turned around to face her and sat down on the counter. "Okay, that's a good question. I mean, it's true - there has to be a connection on more than one level. There needs to be chemistry. I understand that. I've been married before. But, you know...I'm not worried about that. At all. I've prayed about this. I promise you I have. And I just know it's right. And I know that everything will fall into place and it will all be all right."

She folded her arms across her chest and contorted her face again - completely unconvinced. I laughed aloud and shook my head. "I can't explain this. I can see you're not falling for it. But I need you to trust me. I haven't lost my mind. This is right. It is. It's right for me. It's so unconventional..."

"It's crazy!" She cut in.

"I know. I know," I reassured her I was still somewhat sane. "I realize it sounds completely ridiculous". She nodded and I continued, "But I'm doing it. It's the right thing to do - no matter what anyone says. I have to follow what I have felt so strong in my heart. I have prayed about this and there is no doubt I have received my answer. And that's it. That's all I can say."

Eventually she left my place, still completely unconvinced that I was making a good decision. And I understood. It was ludicrous. The most extreme, ridiculous thing a person could do. But it was right. I had a burning conviction of that fact. And I was sticking to it.

The next day my sister called. We had our regular phone calls at least every other day. And today was the day for another one of those silly chat sessions. But this time the topic turned more serious.

"Scones (my nickname for my sister)," I began with a huge sigh.

"What Frassums!" She said in a mocking tone to my seriousness.

"I'm getting married," I stated very matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah. Right! I'm not THAT stupid. You've finally lost your touch on the practical jokes. HA! Didn't get me this time!"

"Scones, I'm serious", I tried again.

She laughed out loud for several seconds and then caught her breath and changed the subject. "So, what's new?"

"SCONES!" I practically shouted into the phone. "Listen to me. I - AM- GETTING - MARRIED! I'm not kidding this time".

"Uh huh. Okay," She continued, giggling. "You're ridiculous. I'm not falling for it. Give it up!"

I heaved a frustrated sigh and fell silent. And she remained silent. And we sat that way a couple of seconds.

"Okay. Maybe you're not joking. What the heck is going on? Are you marrying __________?" She inquired after my boyfriend.

"No," I replied.

"Huh? Then who? I didn't know you were dating anyone else. I thought you and _________ were serious. " She sounded completely baffled.

"Yeah. I know. I have no idea what's going on with __________, but I met someone else and we've decided to get married." I tried to say it in as few words as possible without sounding absolutely insane. But I failed miserably.

"Okay, so let me get this straight - __________ is being all weird on you, so you're marrying someone else quick to get back at him?"

"Yeah", I replied sarcastically. "That's exactly it."

I then proceeded to explain the entire story to my sister, just as I had relayed it to my good friend the night before. And the reaction was the same. Well, with a slight twist.

"Umm...you better be careful. Seriously. Do you know how many serial killers are on the Internet? I better not be seeing you on the 6:00 news - murdered by some guy you tried to marry off the Internet." She sounded concerned now, just as my friend had.

I sighed. "I know. I know. And I am careful. I've been dating for years. A lot. You know that. I know what I'm doing. Really, I do. I've prayed about this and..."

"Okay," she cut in, still unconvinced. "If you feel like it's what you have to do. I just don't know how you're gonna' explain this one to mom and dad."

MOM AND DAD! Oh my gosh! I hadn't even thought about that. I was so caught up in trying to work this out in my own mind and explaining it to whoever called me first, I never thought ONCE about my parents and how they might react to this. My body stung with the feeling of pins and needles.