The Conclusion - Chapter 4 - How Do I Explain This?

Bertrand and I talked for two more nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning. And as our conversation progressed, I felt such a strong, undeniable connection to him. Bertrand confessed his feelings toward me and we decided we should meet as soon as we could to see if there was a connection in person. We both grabbed our calendars and jumped on-line to look at ticket availability and pricing. We decided it would be best for him to come my way - to Arizona. And so we made plans for him to fly in December 9, 2004 (one month from our first phone conversation).

By the end of the conversation that night, as I hung up the phone I had this overwhelming feeling that I could marry this guy. I could see myself with him forever. And yet, he was still a stranger to me in so many ways.

"I think I must just be so tired. I'm just enamored with this guy and we haven't even met and he may not feel the same way and...this is just crazy", I thought out loud to myself. I laid awake for a while, my mind racing with so many thoughts.

What was happening to me? "I still have a boyfriend", I quickly reminded myself. I had no idea where he was or why he wasn't calling me back, but where I left off with him last - we were still very much in a serious relationship. I rolled onto my side, closed my eyes and tried to envision my boyfriend and my relationship with him in my head...but I drew a complete blank. In fact, the image of his face was quickly fading from my memory. It had only been three days since I had seen him.

I heaved a frustrated sigh and rolled back onto my back, staring up at my bedroom ceiling and thinking of Bertrand. I could feel the muscles in my face automatically turning up the sides of my mouth. I was smiling. I closed my eyes, breathed a deep, cleansing breath and rolled onto my other side and thought about my three nights of conversation with him. I needed help on this one. I felt like I was in completely uncharted territory. In all of my years of dating experiences, I had never experienced anything close to this. I rolled out of my bed and landed on my knees.

"God", I said aloud. "I have no idea what's happening to me. I feel like this guy is so great. He wants all of the same things I want. And he's so brave and strong. I admire him so much. And I can see myself with him. I really can. I can actually see myself married to him. And...okay, I know. This is crazy because I've never met him and maybe I'm just losing my mind, but I'm not sure. And I just...I need help here. Am I out of my mind or this guy a good choice for me?"

I immediately felt this warmth envelope me and tears began to form in my eyes. I straightened up and wiped the tears from my eyes, sniffling. "Okay, what is WRONG with me?" I said aloud and began to laugh. "I'm so tired right now." I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers up around me, my heart tingling with warmth. I closed my eyes, a grin plastered across my lips, and fell asleep.

The next night, I climbed into bed with my phone, excited for another long night of conversation with Bertrand. A couple of hours into our conversation, talk of what we wanted in a marriage surfaced yet again. I had this urge to tell him, "I prayed about you last night and I feel like you're a good choice for me". Yeah right! How would he take it? I couldn't do it. I tried to build up the courage several times, but my cowardice won out.

"I prayed about you." Suddenly Bertrand blurted this out to me. I gasped and remained silent. My jaw fell open and my eyes widened.

"Y-you did?"I asked in disbelief.

"Are you scared?" He asked hesitantly.

"Actually...no."I responded. "I prayed about you too".

"Are you serious?" He began to laugh and my nervous giggle set in.

After about one more hour of conversation we determined that we should marry. Just like that. It was so matter of fact. And yet it just felt so right. Absolutely insane, but so right for us somehow. After several more hours of conversation and planning out how we could possibly pull that off and who would move where and how we would merge our two very well established lives in separate states, we said good night and, for the first time uttered the words, "I love you" to each other. And it felt so comfortable and normal.

I laid back in my bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling again. Suddenly doubt set in.

"Okay, how can I marry this guy? I mean, I feel like I love him for several different reasons, but I've never dated him. I've only known him a few nights. I mean - how can I marry a guy I'm not "in love" with?" I spoke aloud to myself again. I needed to hear myself say the words. I needed a reality check...or something. Reassurance was what I needed, once again.

Again, I rolled out of bed, landed on my knees, clasped my hands together, took a deep breath, slowly released it and began, "Heavenly Father, I need your help again. I mean, I feel like marrying him is right, but how can I marry a guy I'm not in love with?"

And after several minutes of silence and thinking this over in my head, the answer came to me, "You will fall in love with him. You will...in time." And my eyes welled up with tears again. And a lump formed in my throat. And I felt the warmth envelope me again. I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard, nodding my head, the tears now rolling down my cheeks.

"Okay," I whispered aloud. "I trust you."

And I crawled into bed and fell into a heavy sleep.

The following afternoon a very close girlfriend of mine called up to say hi and see what I was up to lately.

"Cleaning my cupboards and drawers and closets out", I responded.

"What? Are you moving?" She asked in surprise. "What's going on with you?"

"I'm getting married", I said very matter of factly.

I heard her laugh through the phone. "You're such a liar. I'm not falling for it this time." (I have a reputation for practical jokes.)

"Actually, I'm not," I said, giggling nervously.

I could hear her gasp through the phone, "Are you marrying ___________?" (She was speaking of my boyfriend.)

"Nope", I said. "I haven't even heard from him in days. He won't return my calls or come around. I have no idea where he is".

"Okay. What?" She asked - completely confused.

And so I proceeded to explain about meeting this Frenchman on-line the night after my last gig and how we hit it off and talked for several hours night after night and then decided to just get married. It sounded completely ridiculous to me as I listened to the words coming out of my mouth in explanation to my completely baffled friend. But, in my heart, I knew it was right. I knew what I felt. I knew that I had received an answer from God. I knew I had to do this, no matter what anybody thought.

"I'm coming over," my friend spouted out in concern.

"Okay," I replied.

"Okay? That's okay? I need to come talk to you. I'm really worried about you."

I laughed and invited her again.

Within minutes she was there. I threw the door open, a big grin on my face, and laughed. She had her arms folded across her chest, a stern look on her face. "Okay, WHAT is going on?" She almost reprimanded.

"I told you," I giggled nervously. I didn't know how to handle this situation. I didn't know if my friend would try to have me committed. I had never dealt with any of this before.

We talked for several minutes as I continued cleaning out my cupboards, making room for my soon-to-be husband and his things. And finally, the burning question smacked me:

"What if he's not even a good kisser, Kristin? You've never kissed him. Have you thought about that? I mean, what if you kiss him and it's not good?" I froze mid cupboard-emptying and thought about that for a second. I had never thought about that. That thought had never even entered my mind. It seemed so irrelevant.

I slowly turned around to face her and sat down on the counter. "Okay, that's a good question. I mean, it's true - there has to be a connection on more than one level. There needs to be chemistry. I understand that. I've been married before. But, you know...I'm not worried about that. At all. I've prayed about this. I promise you I have. And I just know it's right. And I know that everything will fall into place and it will all be all right."

She folded her arms across her chest and contorted her face again - completely unconvinced. I laughed aloud and shook my head. "I can't explain this. I can see you're not falling for it. But I need you to trust me. I haven't lost my mind. This is right. It is. It's right for me. It's so unconventional..."

"It's crazy!" She cut in.

"I know. I know," I reassured her I was still somewhat sane. "I realize it sounds completely ridiculous". She nodded and I continued, "But I'm doing it. It's the right thing to do - no matter what anyone says. I have to follow what I have felt so strong in my heart. I have prayed about this and there is no doubt I have received my answer. And that's it. That's all I can say."

Eventually she left my place, still completely unconvinced that I was making a good decision. And I understood. It was ludicrous. The most extreme, ridiculous thing a person could do. But it was right. I had a burning conviction of that fact. And I was sticking to it.

The next day my sister called. We had our regular phone calls at least every other day. And today was the day for another one of those silly chat sessions. But this time the topic turned more serious.

"Scones (my nickname for my sister)," I began with a huge sigh.

"What Frassums!" She said in a mocking tone to my seriousness.

"I'm getting married," I stated very matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah. Right! I'm not THAT stupid. You've finally lost your touch on the practical jokes. HA! Didn't get me this time!"

"Scones, I'm serious", I tried again.

She laughed out loud for several seconds and then caught her breath and changed the subject. "So, what's new?"

"SCONES!" I practically shouted into the phone. "Listen to me. I - AM- GETTING - MARRIED! I'm not kidding this time".

"Uh huh. Okay," She continued, giggling. "You're ridiculous. I'm not falling for it. Give it up!"

I heaved a frustrated sigh and fell silent. And she remained silent. And we sat that way a couple of seconds.

"Okay. Maybe you're not joking. What the heck is going on? Are you marrying __________?" She inquired after my boyfriend.

"No," I replied.

"Huh? Then who? I didn't know you were dating anyone else. I thought you and _________ were serious. " She sounded completely baffled.

"Yeah. I know. I have no idea what's going on with __________, but I met someone else and we've decided to get married." I tried to say it in as few words as possible without sounding absolutely insane. But I failed miserably.

"Okay, so let me get this straight - __________ is being all weird on you, so you're marrying someone else quick to get back at him?"

"Yeah", I replied sarcastically. "That's exactly it."

I then proceeded to explain the entire story to my sister, just as I had relayed it to my good friend the night before. And the reaction was the same. Well, with a slight twist.

"Umm...you better be careful. Seriously. Do you know how many serial killers are on the Internet? I better not be seeing you on the 6:00 news - murdered by some guy you tried to marry off the Internet." She sounded concerned now, just as my friend had.

I sighed. "I know. I know. And I am careful. I've been dating for years. A lot. You know that. I know what I'm doing. Really, I do. I've prayed about this and..."

"Okay," she cut in, still unconvinced. "If you feel like it's what you have to do. I just don't know how you're gonna' explain this one to mom and dad."

MOM AND DAD! Oh my gosh! I hadn't even thought about that. I was so caught up in trying to work this out in my own mind and explaining it to whoever called me first, I never thought ONCE about my parents and how they might react to this. My body stung with the feeling of pins and needles.

The Conclusion - Chapter 3 - The Man Of My Internet Dreams?

We reached my condo finally. I couldn't unload Tobey's truck fast enough. I wanted the gear put away and I wanted him gone so I could concentrate on locating my boyfriend.

"Well, it was fun. Cool." Tobey spoke over his shoulder as he exited my place.

"Yep", I chimed in, grabbing the door and waiting for the appropriate second I could shut it.

"Have fun with your boyfriend", he chuckled as he swung his truck door open.

"K. You have fun with all of your ladies", I called back.

The second he shut his truck door, I shut my door, spun around and ran towards my phones. The cell phone, the land line - he had to have called one of them by now. There was a message flashing on my machine.

"Oh, this better be him", I said aloud as I pressed play.

"Hi Kristin. It's your dad...." My heart sunk. I love my dad, but that was NOT the man I wanted to hear from right this second. As the message played on, I grabbed the handset and began scrolling through the past calls. Not a single one was my boyfriend. He hadn't called my land line in a while. I grabbed my cell phone and began scrolling through it simultaneously. Nothing.

I dropped both phones on the floor, gritted my teeth and breathed heavy through my flaring nostrils. I could feel my head shaking. "Un-believable", I managed through my teeth.

"Whatever! I don't care", I lied and slipped around the corner to my bedroom. My computer. I decided to check my email messages - just see if anyone happened to leave me a message - just something to do while I passed the time. I still had hope that he might call.

I opened my email. There was a message from someone on LDS Singles Online. I had formed a profile for myself several times on that site. It was always the same pattern. I would make a profile, meet some guys, date them, things would fall apart, there would be no fresh meat, I'd get frustrated and remove my profile only to form a new one three months later. But I had met this boyfriend by other means and had completely forgotten about my online profile. Apparently it was still active and someone had sent me a message.

I quickly logged on and opened my message box.

Hey. You're cute. I liked your profile. My name's Doug. Just wanted to say hi.

I felt a grin form on my face. "He thinks I'm cute? I've gotta see this guy", I said aloud. I opened his profile, saw his picture and my heart sank again. "Hmph", I grunted. "Not cute". I sighed in frustration again. "Oh well. I have a boyfriend anyway", I reminded myself.

Then I noticed at the top of the page there was a new feature. You could actually see a list of who viewed your profile. People could no longer check you out anonymously. I clicked on the tab, instantly curious as to who would check me out. I began to scroll down the list of profiles. Nothing really stood out until - suddenly it grabbed me - a cute guy sitting behind a monster drum set. "A drummer", I whispered in reverence.

I had always had a thing for drummers. A year or so after Tobey and I formed our band we decided to expand and get a bass guitar player and drummer. We started auditions and I discovered that finding the drummer was the most fun. Those drummers all had that bit of a wild side I liked and there was something about watching them play the drums. It just got me. We had found a drummer at one point and things were going great. In fact, we got contacted by a small record company and it looked like maybe something would happen. Next thing I knew, our drummer had to quit at his fiancee's urging and everything fell apart. I remembered joking at the time that I would "just have to marry the drummer to keep him in the band".

I clicked on the drummer guy's profile. He was French. "Wow", I mouthed in silence. He lived in Utah. "Not too far", I said aloud, my excitement growing.

Boyfriend? What boyfriend?

My body took over and I clicked on "Send a message". My fingers worked furiously and a message appeared before me on the screen.

You're a drummer AND you're French? Oh la la. I like that.

Then, before I could gain control, I pressed send. I pushed away from my computer and pulled my hands up to my mouth, gasping and laughing. "I can't believe I just did that?" I laughed out loud. "He's gonna' think I'm a freak." I laughed again.

A message response popped up on my screen. My eyes widened and I sat forward, squinting to see where it came from. It was from him - the French drummer. He just happened to be at his computer, logged on to LDSSO at the same time. I scooted forward excitedly in my chair and clicked on it to open it.

Oh, you like that? Well, you should hear my accent.

"Oh yeah", I thought. The goofy grin was plastered across my entire face.

How can I hear your accent? I responded.

Call my number. And he typed it.

I jumped out of my seat, ran for my phone and dialed the number. Something had completely taken over me. This was so out of character for me. It was like I had snapped. The phone rang and rang. Suddenly a message clicked on.

"Oh", I thought, a bit disappointed. "He's not even going to talk to me, huh? Oh well..." I listened to the message. He had an accent all right. A heavy French accent. It was nice. I had always had a thing for foreign accents - particularly South American and European. When the message ended, I hung up right at the beep.

Nice. I like the accent. I typed on the screen and sent it.

Oh. You heard it? Wait. Did you call? He replied.

Yeah.

Oh. I didn't even hear my phone. Call me back.

My heart began to flutter a bit. He wanted to talk to me. Suddenly the thought of my boyfriend popped into my head and I hesitated. But only for a second. "Hey, my boyfriend's not calling me back. He's ignoring me. He has to be. I'm just going to have a little fun tonight. That's all. Serves him right for ignoring me". I was always an eye-for-an-eye kind of dater. Not necessarily the most mature way to handle things, but I was young.... Okay, I was just a bit immature.

I called the French drummer back and we engaged in conversation. It flowed so easily. So naturally. I was intrigued. I was mesmerized. And obviously I did something for him because we talked until 3:00 AM.

We talked about everything - our family, our childhood, our adolescence, our trials in our adulthood. We had both been married before. He didn't have any children. He talked about his conversion to the Mormon church and I was completely drawn in. It was an amazing story. This guy had been through so much, but he was so strong. His strength is what captured me. And when we talked about what we wanted out of life and out of marriage, it just matched up perfectly. I had never spoken with someone like this before - someone whose beliefs and desires were so dead on with mine. We both had a dream to pursue music. THAT was one of the major things that always prevented my relationships from going any further. Guys had always responded with, "I don't want a wife out every weekend doing concerts" or "I don't want my wife to be more successful than me. That's just weird" or "If you're a celebrity, we won't be able to go anywhere or do anything. I don't know about that". It was always so disappointing, but I couldn't lie. I couldn't deny that I wanted a music career. It was my passion. It completed me. It was my escape. Without it, I was nothing. And this guy wanted it too - just as bad as me. And he could complete the missing piece to our band.

Finally, at 3:00 AM, I couldn't stay awake any more. I would have been content to fall asleep with him on the phone, but I was at least coherent and mature enough to realize how ridiculous this was and so I ended our conversation. And hung up the phone. And closed my eyes with a smile on my face and began to dream about this handsome French drummer from the Internet.

The Conclusion - Chapter 2 - Swimming in DE River NIAL

"So....you think you're gonna' have a boyfriend after tonight?" Tobey slurred his words with a nervous chuckle at the end.

I instantly shot him a look of death. "Why wouldn't I?" I spit the words out in disgust, rolled my eyes and stared out the passenger window of his truck, now beginning to wonder myself.

After what felt like the eternal drive to my impending doom complete with stark cold quiet, we reached our destination - Latitude 30. We unloaded our gear in silence, a scowl on my face, a blank one on Tobey's. We pushed through the heavy back doors of the building and trudged toward our makeshift stage in the corner of the bar, completely loaded down with our first batch of gear.

"Hey guys! You're here! I love when you guys come play! It's awesome!" One of the bartenders greeted us, his usual greeting. He was always overly cheerful and excited about something.

"Thanks", I sighed, offering a weak smile.

"You guys need help?" He offered.

"Sure"/"Nah", Tobey and I offered simultaneously.

"Yeah, let him help", Tobey chuckled nervously again and smacked my back.

I shrugged. "Sure. Whatever. I don't care". I set my gear down and followed the guys back out to the truck.

"Hey Frass!" Tobey called over his shoulder.

"What?" I sighed.

"Cheer up! There's other guys out there!" He somehow felt the need to console me.

But over what? I had a boyfriend. I had just hugged him in front of Tobey. Why was he acting like we were broken up? We were NOT broken up! I decided it wasn't worth getting into an argument over. Besides, I didn't have the strength. I ignored him. But what I couldn't ignore was the knot forming in my stomach. I grimaced as it tightened.

After a half hour of set up, we were ready to play. I turned my back to the audience, sipped my water, drew in a deep breath, glanced heavenward and blew it out.

"You ready?" Tobey half whispered.

"Yep. Let's do this." I responded unenthusiastically.

Tobey laughed out loud, "Wow! You sound excited, Frass!"

I pulled out my prized obnoxiously fake smile and shot it at him, then turned and faced the bar patrons. I strummed the first chord on my guitar and our first set began.

With each song, I began to feel energized. The crowd responded well and I suddenly forgot about my personal problems and actually began to enjoy the evening.

"Hey. What's up." I could hear Tobey laughing behind me.

Suddenly it dawned on me, I had been spacing out while I sang - off in another world. I had sung my songs so many times before, it was easy for my mind to drift elsewhere. I suddenly snapped back into consciousness and shot Tobey a confused look. I noticed he was nodding and smiling toward the right side of the bar. I followed the line of his gaze with my head and saw them - two young girls, one blond, one brunette, super thin, fake-baked, mid riffs showing. I glanced back at Tobey, rolled my eyes and smirked as I continued to sing.

"What?" Tobey chuckled at me. But I couldn't respond. Not yet.

The second the song ended I spun around on my heel and placed my hand on my hip. "Do those belong to you?" I teased.

"Yep! Those are mine!" Tobey laughed.

I raised my eyebrow in mock reproach. "A little young, don't ya' think?"

"Naaah", Tobey responded nonchalantly, then turned and smiled at his groupies again.

Besides our monetary compensation for each performance, we were offered anything on the menu at intermission. We typically placed our order as we set up and they would have it ready, hot and steamy, sitting at the bar for us just as we finished our first set. It was a sweet deal. The restaurant/bar was pricey and the food was fantastic. I usually enjoyed this part of the evening the most. I've always had a passion for food.

But tonight wasn't so enjoyable. Not only was I consumed with thoughts of the earlier proceedings with my boyfriend, but now I had the rather unpleasant scene playing out just to my right. Tobey looked like a three-headed beast, his groupies sitting on each knee, their arms wrapped around his neck, sharing his meal and fighting for his attention.

"Here, try it. It's awesome", he'd say, inserting a forkful of food into one of their heads.

"Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Oh yeah. That's sooo gooood. Yummy." The head would respond in an attempt at seduction.

"My turn. I want some." The other head would whine.

Gag me.

The giggling and moaning was becoming more than I could bear. I pushed my plate further to the left on the bar and shifted in my seat, facing as far away from them as I could and trying to drown them out.

"Oh! Music! I almost forgot. We're supposed to play music during intermission." I heard one of the bartenders gasp. She dashed toward a small box on the wall and pushed a few buttons.

Relief!

As the music flooded my ears, I found my thoughts drifting back to my boyfriend, our most recent conversations, and the last few minutes before his departure. I suddenly longed to hear his voice. I needed reassurance now. If Tobey felt like our relationship was probably over based on what he had seen, maybe there was something there I was missing. "He wouldn't dump me for trying to pursue my dreams", I thought. But I wasn't so sure now.

I practically inhaled the rest of my meal and jumped up from the bar, shoving my plate toward the center and calling out, "Thanks. Great food." I walked briskly toward the stage and grabbed my purse. I drew in a deep breath and held it in anticipation as I lifted my cell phone out, hoping to see a missed call alert.

Nothing.

"That's okay. He doesn't want to bother me. He knows I'm performing anyway", I assured myself.

I threw my purse down and headed for the back doors of the building, throwing them open. I hadn't realized how stuffy the bar was until now. It felt good to breathe some fresh air. My heart began to pound wildly now in my chest as I dialed his number. I drew in a deep, cleansing breath, pulled the phone to my ear and blew it out quickly as I heard the first ringing tone. It rang and rang and rang. I tried to think of something clever to say. Something to make him laugh. I loved hearing his laugh. It made me want to say something funny every time I spoke to him.

"Hi...." the voice began.

"Hey, honey! How..." I started in prematurely. But alas, it was just his answering machine.

"This is ___________ (Yes, I'm actually protecting this jerk). Sorry I missed your call. Leave me a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks."

I could feel my heart sinking into my stomach. I felt kind of nauseous; the disappointment was almost unbearable.

"Hey", I managed weakly. Then, realizing it wasn't a good idea to sound pathetic and needy at this point, I quickly changed my tone. "Just taking a break in between sets. I was thinking of you. Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. We should do something later. Give me a call. You can leave me a message if you want. I'll call you back at the end of the show. Love you. Bye."

I hung up and released a sigh as I gazed toward the heavens and muttered under my breath, "Please call me back. Please." I checked my watch. We had a few more minutes. I paced around on the veranda out back and observed the scenery around me. It was a beautiful sight. The bar we played at was located in an upscale resort located on a small mountain butte. The view of the city lights was breath-taking. I wished my boyfriend was there with me. How great would that be to cuddle in his arms and take in the sight together. Making out in between wouldn't be so bad either. After a few minutes I snapped out of my daze and checked my phone again, hoping somehow maybe he'd called during my daydream and perhaps I just hadn't heard my phone ring.

Nothing.

Now the frustration was setting in. "Why won't he call me? I mean, seriously - what is he doing right now that's so important he can't pick up the phone?" I heaved a sigh of frustration and stormed back into the building. I just wanted the night to be over. I wanted to go home and I wanted him to call.

I could see the three-headed beast still devouring its meal at the bar. I rolled my eyes and called out, "Hey, Tobey! It's time for our last set!" I grabbed my guitar, strapped it on, turned the sound equipment back on and stood there in an impatient stance, trying not to roll my eyes again. I watched the three-headed beast pull apart into three separate beings and Tobey finally approached the stage. "All right! Let's do this!" He called out excitedly. "I'm having fun tonight! Are you having fun?" He asked excitedly.

I pulled my fake grin and shut my eyes. "Fabulous", I replied sarcastically.

Tobey simply chuckled nervously. He knew me well enough at this point to know that saying anything more to me would only increase the intensity of my very bad attitude.

After what felt like an eternity, we completed our final set. The second the final note faded, I spun around and began throwing my guitar into its case, working furiously to take down the stage. Tobey took note and jumped in, working right alongside me. We worked in silence. He only spoke to his groupies who now swarmed us.

Within twenty minutes we had our equipment completely packed up and we were ready to go. It was a new record for us. I opened the passenger side of Tobey's truck and jumped inside. As I pulled the door shut behind me, I realized he wasn't inside the truck. I peered out the back window and saw him grabbing at his groupies, flirting and laughing.

"Uggh. Spare me!" I scoffed, rolling my eyes. I decided to check my phone again. I had waited until now to check it. I expected disappointment and yet when I saw that, once again, I had no missed call alerts on my phone, my spirits sank to a new low.

Tobey jumped into the truck just then, laughing. He slammed his door shut, buckled his seatbelt and started to insert the key, but froze suddenly and turned his gaze toward me. "Hey. You all right?" He sounded genuinely concerned.

"Yeah. Good. Just tired." I replied. It was half true.

"You gonna' do something with your boyfriend tonight?" He asked.

"Yep. Just waiting for him to call me back. He'll be calling any minute now", I sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than anything.

"Cool", he replied and inserted the key fully into the ignition. His truck engine roared to life and he threw it into gear and squealed out of the parking lot, most likely to impress the ladies. I sighed and stared out the window.

Within a few seconds of leaving the parking lot, Tobey's phone rang.

"Heeyyy", Tobey laughed. "What's up? Long time no see." He laughed again. "Yeah. Totally", he called out excitedly into his phone. "I'm totally up for that. Let's PAR-TAY! Yeah."

I could feel myself gritting my teeth. My feet began to tap impatiently on the floor. I picked my cell phone up and checked it again. Nothing.

"No", Tobey continued into his phone. "The more the merrier. What are their names? Shayna? Cool. Who else? Yeah, I know Jenny. Hey, I'm lovin' lots of people bein' there, especially all girls. Cool. All right, well I've just gotta' go unload my gear and I'll be right over." He laughed out loud as he hung up the phone. "Man!" He laughed again, this time speaking to me. "Those girls are crazy! They like wanna' have me come over and get in the jacuzzi with 'em all tonight and they're bringing like five other girls with them. Can you believe that?"

I smiled weakly and raised my eyebrows at him. "Wow. That IS crazy", I purposely responded unenthusiastically. "You and seven girls, huh?"

"Hey, did your boyfriend call you back yet?" He cut in.

I sighed. "No. But, he will. In fact, he's probably just called my home phone because he knows that's where I'm going, so....yeah, I'll just make plans with him when I get home".

"All right. Cool", he replied.

And we drove home in silence. Tobey and I did. His phone continued to ring throughout the course of our journey and I had the unwanted pleasure of hearing more about his wild and crazy plans for the night.

The Conclusion - Chapter 1 - The End That Started The Beginning

It was November 6, 2004. I had a show to do. I was tiring of these regular gigs. Sure, they paid good money and it was exposure and I was supposed to love performing. I was supposed to. The problem is it was taking away from my relationship. My boyfriend was getting tired of me being unavailable every weekend. Or maybe he was getting tired of me and this was just another excuse to get him out of our verbal contract without a hitch.

He had been by my place that afternoon. This was a ritual. We would spend the afternoon before a show together. It always ended at my place. Usually on my couch. I'd be in his arms and the frustration would manifest itself in heavy sighs.

"I can do something after wards", I attempted to console him.

"At what time?" The disgust was evident.

"Honeyyy", I whined playfully. "It's not THAT late. There's stuff we can do...." But I couldn't really think of anything besides sitting on my couch, making out, trying to keep it clean.

There was no reply. And so we sat in silence staring out the window of my condo, the view of the smog-filled sky and thug-riddled apartment building across the street half concealed by an ugly old brick wall. I closed my eyes and nuzzled into his chest a little deeper, imagining we were on an island in paradise, relaxing in the sun. I breathed in a deep, cleansing breath and let my imagination take over. We stayed frozen. Silent. Our rhythmic breathing mingled with cars whizzing by and the occasional honk or shout from beyond the wall.

DING! DONG!

I had never had a problem with the sound of my doorbell...until now. Now its sound was officially categorized as annoying - like the sound of my buzzing alarm clock at a ridiculous hour of the morning just so I could get a head start on the daily transcription load, which I happened to perform approximately 2 feet from my bed. Completely torturous.

I heaved a sigh and pushed my body off the sofa. I straightened out my clothing, fixed my hair in the mirror hanging above my couch, heaved another sigh and looked apologetically into my boyfriend's eyes.

He rolled his and straightened up on the sofa, bending over to rest his elbows on his knees and hold his head in his hands. I bit my lip and tousled his hair. "I'm sorry, baby", I replied.

DINNNNG! DONNNNG!

"Coming!" I shouted. I had completely forgotten already - so easily drawn into the bubble that formed around myself and my significant other every time he came around. I was such a pleaser. So consumed in the relationship.

I dramatically threw the door open. "WHAT!" I shouted playfully. It was Tobey, my lead guitarist. I was expecting him. It was time. Time to load the gear, drive to the gig, unload the gear, set it up, pretend I was a rock star for two hours, then take all of the gear down, reload it, drive home, and unload the gear back at my place. It was exhausting just thinking of it - week after week. But I had formed this band. I had agreed to pursue this dream. And I had people counting on me to follow through on it.

My boyfriend immediately headed for the door, calling out, "Well, have fun" as he brushed by, no eye contact, not even a touch.

"Babe, you don't have to leave right this second," I pleaded.

Tobey caught sight of my pathetic state just then and chimed in, "Yeah, you don't have to go, man."

"Yeah?" My boyfriend stopped dead in his tracks and turned abruptly in his tracks, a glare in his eye. "What am I supposed to do? You're just getting ready to go. It's not like there's anything we can do right now".

"You could help us load", Tobey half chuckled and turned to grab some gear.

I shot Tobey a look of horror and glanced hesitantly toward my boyfriend. He responded to Tobey with a glare at the back of his head and I responded with a sheepish grin. "It's okay. You don't have to", I attempted to blow away the awkward cloud looming overhead.

"I gotta' go", my boyfriend said very coolly.

I contorted my mouth and nodded silently. My boyfriend quickly strode across the room toward me, grabbed me quick in a tense, awkward hug, his face turned away from mine, and then released me just as quickly and turned to leave, calling over his shoulder, "I'd help you, but I've got somewhere I need to be. I'm late. Good luck. Have fun."

And that was it. He was gone. Little did I know that would be the absolute last time I would ever lay eyes on him. Even to this day.