Jedi Master of Doom

His profile said he was tall, dark, and handsome. I know. I know - is that all it takes? Yes. Yes it is.

By the way, are you noticing a pattern here? Tall, dark, handsome? Uh huh. It's what we were raised on. All the Disney princesses got it and we were raised to want it too.

He contacted me first on the internet dating site. He sent me a little note saying something like, "You're cute. I like your profile". So, I looked at his profile.

Occupation: Paramedic. (Oh yeah. I'm sorry, but it does NOT get any better than that. There was no picture included, which should have been my first clue, but as I'm sure you've deduced from my other stories, I'm pretty much clueless.)

Likes: Star Wars, Jedi Knights, Nice People. (Uh oh. Yeah, but he's a paramedic and tall, dark and handsome. You can't have it all.)

Dislikes: Darth Vader, Evil Droids, Mean Chicks, When People Judge Me. (Okaaay...moving on.)

At this point I'm thinking, "Please let this guy be normal. I really wanna' like this guy".

Introductory Paragraph: If Jedi Knights really existed, I would be one. I will treat you like I would Princess Leia. No, seriously. I'm a totally fun guy. I'm a paramedic because I like saving people and I have so many stories, you wouldn't believe it! Seriously! I love Camaros. I own a black one right now. You should see my license plate. It's awesome. If you ask me, I'll send you a pic. I'll definitely show you a good time. I'll make you laugh all night long.

"Okay. Yeah, I could use a good laugh," I said aloud to myself. "He seems nice enough. The Star Wars stuff is a bit extreme, but he seems like he's just kidding around. Just trying to be funny. That's all".

I replied to his message:

Hello Jedi Master. I love Camaros. That is pretty much my favorite car. That's so cool that you have a black one. Yeah, I'd like to see the license plate pic. Your profile is funny. I'm sure we'd have fun. Let's go out sometime.

I received a response with a picture of his license plate - JEDI 1 (No surprises there) and a simple request. "Can I pick you up 12:30 on Saturday?"

I replied with one word - "Yes".

It was Saturday afternoon. 12:30 - the date and time we had agreed upon. I saw his black Camaro pull into the drive. I don't know what got me going more - the prospect of a tall, dark and handsome paramedic or that black Camaro. I saw the driver's side door open and I looked away. I didn't want to know just yet. Not until I opened the door. I just LOVE surprises. I paced around in the hallway just off the front entryway. And finally - the doorbell rang. My heart started to pound a little harder. "This is it", I thought and felt suddenly giddy. I smacked the wet gloss on my lips one last time and threw the door open.

GASP! Well...he had the "dark" part of the description correct. He was barely taller than me, squatty looking and his face wasn't even attractive. I mean, other things I can overlook, but the face, the eyes - those are the most important features to me. He didn't even have THAT going on. I could feel my heart sink and my shoulders slump, but I used every ounce of my energy to hide my disappointment. I managed a "Heyyyyy there".

"Hi gorgeous", he attempted a seductive voice. And then he winked. GOOBERS!

I swallowed the dry, stagnant air in my throat and my mind started scheming. "Another bad egg. What's the most polite way to get rid of this guy?" I invited him in. Why, I do not know. I obviously don't handle stressful situations well at ALL!!!

We sat in my living room. He plopped himself on my sofa without invitation and surveyed the room nodding and chuckling. I slowly sat on the farthest end of the couch and watched him, searched him, trying to find something I liked about him. Anything to make this next hour or so bearable. There had to be SOMETHING likeable about him. So far he was unattractive and his personality was the cliche of every greasy, comedic relief, slimeball character in Hollywood. I didn't like this guy. Not one little bit. And though I admit I had once found the "no photo, no date" rule awfully superficial, I was quickly converting to this new principle.

"So, I bet you've got a lot of crazy stories, being a paramedic, huh?" I decided to just sit back and at least hear some fascinating tales. "Any way I can work this to my advantage", I thought.

His eyes lit up and he sat forward on the couch, slowly morphing into an animated character right before my eyes; his hands, eyebrows, body - everything was involved in his story telling, and his voice grew louder by the minute. The stories were flying at me like baseballs out of a pitching machine, zinging past my head.

"There was this couple on a motorcycle, right? And they smacked right into the back of a semi..." SMACK! He slapped his fat hands together as hard as he could. I jumped in my seat and my eyes widened. "And so I arrived on the scene and we like have to take their vitals and stuff, right? So, like I take their vitals and they're like non-existent."

I shook my head and furrowed my brow, feeling sorry for the poor couple in the story. "Wow", I mouthed.

"Right, so like we have to do this thing where we put a shield on ourselves and press down really hard on their stomachs. And like we have to wear a shield because you never know what's gonna' come out." He starts laughing.

I was horrified at this point. "What comes out? What do you mean? Like body parts?" I began concocting the gruesome vision in my head.

"No. Body parts? Come on," he chastised me - the idiot. "No, like whatever they ate last."

"Oh. Ew." I jumped back and clasped my hand to my throat.

"Yeah, so like this couple had just had a niiiice spaghetti dinner and it was everywhere man. It came shooting out all over my plastic shield and I was like ready to barf!" He began to laugh hysterically, even doubling over at one point.

I was completely disturbed, fighting the images forming in my head. My eyes startedto tear. I have no idea why. And I laughed this nervous, completely horrified laugh. I had no idea how to respond to that.

But it didn't end there. Then it was:

"Oh, this one time this guy got smashed between his car and a truck and his body just like EXPLODED! I got sent out to scout around for the body parts and...."

A few moments later

"...so here I come up over this hill. You should have seen the people sittin' in traffic, man!" He began to laugh an evil belly laugh. "I've got this leg slung over my shoulder and this guy just falls out of his car and starts pukin' everywhere. It was great!"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"This one time this lady's airbag went off and....."

I shifted in and out of a coherent state. My mind was half somewhere else. I couldn't completely focus on these stories. I would have lost my mind. The room was spinning at this point and I felt slightly nauseous.

"Am I making you sick?" he laughed.

"Oh. No. I just...can't believe....okay, yeah. I'm feeling sick. This is crazy stuff. I don't know how you deal with that on a regular basis."

He straighted up in his seat, puffing out his broad chest. "Yeah, well....it's all in a day's work. I love my job, man. It's great." He flashed a creepy grin and reached across the couch, slapping his fat hand on my knee. I flinched and shifted. He didn't seem to notice.

"Let's take a ride, huh? You said you like Camaros, right?" He jumped up off the sofa and held out his hand to help me up. I just really didn't want to touch him. At all. I pretended not to notice his gesture and stood up on my own. He stepped back and withdrew his hand casually, blowing off my rejection.

"Yeah", I said in a half yawn. I was emotionally exhausted at this point.

So my "paramedic stories" plan backfired on me, but "how could joy riding in a black Camaro go wrong?" I thought. I checked my watch quick. It was 1:30 at this point.

"Oh, you have somewhere you need to be or something?" I caught the accusatory tone in his voice.

"Oh, not for a while", I quickly concocted a back up story in my head in case he questioned further. "I was just curious as to what time it was, that's all." I finally looked him in the eye. He seemed to be okay with this. "So, are you gonna' give me a ride in my favorite car or what?" I said in a playful tone. I was desperate to turn this around and avoid having to write it off as a complete waste of time.

We took a drive in his Camaro and I pretended like he wasn't there, rather successfully, I might add, as he at least played some sweet tunes on the stereo and shut up for once! I gazed out the half rolled down window and breathed in the fresh country air. A grin plastered to my face.

"You like this, huh?" I felt him touch my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. "GRRR", I thought. "You just awoke me from my dream in which I was riding ALONE". I drew in a deep breath, grit my teeth and managed a half smile, which he didn't notice, as he was busy watching the road. "Yeah. I do. I like this car".

"Yeah? You like this car, huh?" He chuckled and reached over, groping at my knee. It was like he was just looking for ways to touch me, so he just acted playful and teased me. I hated every second of it.

SO. Let's fast forward out of this nightmare, shall we? I eventually made it home and felt like an hour visit and half-hour drive were sufficient. I carefully talked my way out of spending another minute with him for the day and he reluctantly left my doorstep.

Within an hour I was checking my dating profile. I was so disappointed in this day and just had to make it better. There had to be someone else I could meet up with quick and have a good time to make up for this nearly complete waste of my time. I noticed I had a new email in my inbox, so I clicked on it. It was from HIM. My stomach lurched and I rolled my eyes and heaved a sigh. "Great", I sighed. "What does he want now?"

It was a novel of an email. About as long as these tales I tell. It was him pouring out his heart. Telling me his life story from the beginning. He talked about converting to the LDS church and how people were nice to him until he was baptized and then the girls judged him and refused to go out with him just because he hadn't served a mission.

I wasn't buying it. I'd met this guy. There was a reason the girls weren't going out with him and it had NOTHING to do with him joining the church later in life and missing out on the mission opportunity.

Then he proceeded to tell me how amazing I was and how he just loved spending time with me and felt really close to me already. He was excited that I liked his car and especially his license plate. He thought that was cool that a girl was so into Star Wars.

"Wait a minute! Hold up! At what point did I mention I was into Star Wars?" I racked my brain. I wasn't recalling. "Hmmm....interesting", I thought, and proceeded to read.

He told me he couldn't wait to go out again and that he could totally see us having a serious relationship.

I shuddered heavily. "GOO!" I shouted at the monitor. I quickly signed out of my email and walked away from the computer, pacing around the room.

"Okay, this guy is insane. It's official", I said aloud to myself. "I have GOT to find a way to get rid of him ASAP!" I continued to pace around the room, perspiring profusely as I attempted to concoct a response in my head - something nice. This guy had already mentioned he didn't take rejection well. I finally formed what I felt was a satisfactory response in my head, so I dashed over to my computer and sat down in my seat, eagerly typing it out and sending it.

I then got up from the computer and went on with my day. Later that evening I decided to get back on and check my dating profile to see if there were any other good prospects out there. I noticed another new email in my inbox, so I clicked on it. It was from HIM again. I rolled my eyes and heaved a big sigh. "Okay", I told myself. "Here it is. This is probably the part where he tells me off. I'll just read it, delete it and get on with my life".

But things just don't happen that easily for me.

The email was even longer than the first. It was riddled with anger and hatred and even included a threat to my well being. "You better hope you never run into me in public", it warned. "You'll be sorry. "

I noticed my breathing was suddenly heavier. I furrowed my brow in concern. "What the...", I said aloud. "What a creep!" I deleted the email.

I thought it would be over. A few days later another email arrived from him.

You're such a B_____ (expletive). You think you're so righteous. You think you're better than me. You're not. You're gonna' burn in Hell just like all the rest of the people who reject me just because I didn't serve a mission! I seriously want to kill you. I'm not kidding when I say you better hope you don't run into me in public. There will be a blood bath. I will smite your head off with my light saber and you'll fall to the ground with the rest of the evil empire, you....

The rest was pretty much expletives. I'll just end there. You get the idea. At this point I felt afraid. I felt sick. I was frustrated and angry. I completely deleted my profile off of the dating site and decided I was done with it. And then I laid low. I never did call the police, which I totally should have. I should have shown them the email and had him locked up, but the truth is, I felt more sorry for him than I felt afraid for myself. And I thought, "He can't be serious. He's just really upset and I need to lie low for a while. This will pass".

A couple of years passed. I never did see or hear from him again. And so life went on.

One day my friend, Stephanie, called me and asked if I would go with her to Walgreen's and show her what hair product I used to get my hair to fall into soft waves. I said, "sure" and she picked me up. We arrived at Walgreen's and went inside, heading straight for the hair products. I showed her the spray I used and then she said, "Hey, wanna' just look around for a bit in here? I love looking at all the stuff". I agreed and we went our separate ways, browsing the contents of the shelves in different aisles - just scoping out any cool, new items they might be carrying.

I kind of noticed someone was following me. At least it seemed like it. Out of the corner of my eye I swore I kept seeing the same person, aisle after aisle, just kind of following and almost watching me, but keeping his distance. I could see it was a man, but I felt kind of uncomfortable and was too afraid to look over and make eye contact. My friend Stephanie rejoined me as we continued to browse and my apparent "stalker" continued his pattern.

Finally Stephanie grabbed my arm and said, "Hey, we should go. Let's go".

I was a bit taken aback by her sudden, and somewhat urgent gesture. "Oh. Okay. Are you sure? You don't wanna' look more?"

"No", she was adamant. "I'm pretty sure I wanna' go. Now."

We walked briskly to the cashier and she paid for her spray. Then we quickly exited the store and scurried to her car. As we got inside and began to buckle up, I turned to her, "What's the big rush?" I inquired.

"Oh. My. Gosh. Did you SEE that guy in there?" she spoke in a very dramatic, broken sentence.

"Oh, you mean that weird guy kind of following us around?" I casually replied.

"Uhhh...yeah! Hello! He was creeping me out! He was like glaring at you. Do you know him?" She was growing more hysterical as she spoke.

"Glaring at me? Are you sure?" I asked, questioning her observation.

"Oh. Totally. He was totally glaring at you. And following you all around that store. It's why I joined up with you. I was worried about you. It was like he really hated you. Like he wanted to hurt you. I'm not kidding, Kristin."

"Hmm...", I replied. Still, I wasn't bothered by it. Nothing happened. We were safe in the car and we were leaving now. "Well, let's just go" I suggested.

Stephanie turned her car on and threw it into reverse. I breathed in deep and glanced out the window to my right. It caught my eye. The beautiful, shiny black paint, the perfect curvature. "Oh, I love camaros. And it's black", I sighed with adoration. Stephanie continued to back out as my eyes carressed the exterior. At last, she was completely backed out of the parking space and my eyes navigated down the backside of this beautiful metallic creature, down over the license plate...

I froze. My eyes darted back upward. JEDI 1. My heart skipped a beat. I gasped in horror and clasped my hands over my mouth. "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" I moaned.

A close call, I suppose. I never really believed he would actually harm me, but I guess you never know. Fortunately, I never crossed paths with him or heard from him again. I think it's safe to say, he's past it now...I hope.