Movies Aren't Real

You know how the romantic comedies always begin with two people meeting in a cute way? Ever thought, "Aw. How cute. I wish something like that would happen for me" ?

Yeah. Well. I fell victim to that fairytale notion.

It was 4:45 PM on a Friday evening. I decided I wasn't happy with the way my phone company was billing me, so I called to talk to customer service and get some things straightened out. I was home alone in my little apartment, just sitting there flipping through channels as I waited in the eternal hold cue for a customer service representative. I became fixated on a "Friends" episode and kind of forgot I was on hold. I had been pressing the receiver to my ear for so long, my entire left side was completely numb and besides it was the episode where they all have flashbacks about being in high school and.... Sorry. Got off on a tangent there.

Suddenly I heard a voice on the other end of the line. A pleasant, professional-sounding male voice. I kind of perked up a little, pushing the mute button on the TV.

I proceeded to explain my problem with my phone bill. He apologized profusely and assured me that it was fixed and he would personally see to it that I didn't have this problem again. I kind of giggled (I know, I'm too easy) into the phone and thanked him. I was enjoying listening to the sound of his voice too much, but now it was time to end the call. He had taken care of my problem. What more was there to say?

"Well, thanks...for helping me out," I said in a melancholy tone.

"My pleasure, ma'am", he responded. "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you sound cute."

I sat straight up on the couch and raised my eyebrows. "Uuhhh. Thanks, "I began to giggle again - silly, desperate girl that I was. "You sound nice too. I like your voice".

He chuckled, "Thank you."

We both kind of half-nervously giggled back and forth to each in the phone like two awkward elementary school kids trying to ask each other out or something. Then he said, "Well, listen, we need to end this call because it's on company time, but do you mind if I call you later?"

I pursed my lips and smiled heavenward. "Not at all", I said - a huge smile on my face. I'm sure he could detect it through the phone, I was so ridiculous. I think I floated around my apartment the rest of the evening until he called later.

The conversation with him was just too easy. We liked the same things. We shared a sense of humor. We were both interesting people with plenty of stories, but also good listeners. He told me he was going to be attending law school soon. That he had applied and was preparing to go. He described himself as tall, dark hair, blue eyes. Perfection, in my book. His voice just had a nice ring to it. I could listen to him talk all day and night and never tire of it.

We spoke until 2:00 AM. I began to grow tired. Not of him. Just tired. My days of partying until 5:00 AM were left behind with my freshman year of college. I must have been yawning far too much because he finally said, "Well listen, you're tired. I should let you get some sleep."

I was so torn, but he was right, I needed sleep. "Yeah", I began to yawn again. "Well thanks for calling. It was fun talking".

"Yes. Definitely", he replied. "I would love to meet you in person and get to know you better".

My heart fluttered. How exciting! This guy sounded really nice, really cute, going to law school, and after several hours of talking, he wanted to take me out. YAY! I agreed, of course.

"So", he began, "how about tomorrow night?"

"Sure", I said, a little too excitedly. I scrunched my face in disgust with myself and tried again. "Yeah, I think that would be okay. My son will be with his father all weekend, so I could do that".

"Great", he said. "Oh, by the way, my car is going to be in the shop tomorrow. Would it be too much trouble if you drove?" (First red flag)

"Oh", I hesitated. "Yeah. Sure. Just give me your address and I'll come pick you up. That's no problem". Suddenly I realized my car was a bit dirty. I would definitely have to detail it. "After all, he's going to law school", I thought, "and he said he drives a sporty car. It's probably really nice."

He started to give me his address and then finished the sentence with, "Hey, it's my dad's place. I'm kind of crashing in his basement right now, so just knock on the window off to the right of the front door, down towards the ground. That's my window. I'll just come right up". (Second red flag, you naive, overly desperate fool!)

I furrowed my brow and hesitated. That seemed kind of strange, but, who am I to judge? "Sure. Okay", I giggled nervously. "See you at 6:00 tomorrow night then".

I hung up the phone and laid back on my bed, a big grin on my face. I closed my eyes and visions of meeting this ridiculously handsome future lawyer and then having a whirlwind romance ending in marriage and us sitting around a crowd of family and friends telling our "too cute to be true" story of how we met over the phone while he helped me with my phone bill issues swirled around my head like pretty little feathers falling gently from the sky. I don't know what I was smoking that night, but it was good stuff.

Saturday evening. 5:30 PM. I was dressed to the nines, car completely detailed. I was looking and feeling fabulous and so ready to meet my potential future amazing boyfriend/husband. I drove to his father's neighborhood. It was very nice. Upper middle class looking. I approached the door and almost rang the bell, when I remembered the instructions - knock on the window to the right of the door towards the ground. I stepped back down off the stairs and walked around to the window. Just as I bent over to knock, the front door flew open and there he stood in all his glory.

I shot straight up, my eyes widened, my jaw dropped, I slightly gasped and stumbled backwards a couple of steps. He chuckled in a low, grovely voice. It was one of those, "Haha. Tricked you" kind of tones.

"Oh. Oh no. This is NOT what I had envisioned. How could this go so wrong?"

To add to the freak show happening on his face, his hair was completely spiked out everywhere with bright colors on the tips. It was WILD! A little too wild. I was so flustered. There were no words to describe how I felt at that moment. There were no words coming to me - period!

I continued to slowly step backwards towards my car, my giggles dancing about with his low grovel of a chuckle.

"Sooo...you look nice. Real nice", he said. Suddenly his voice wasn't so pleasant-sounding anymore. It was the same voice I had spoken with for hours on the phone, but it just didn't quite sound the same now that I had a face to put with it.

"Thanks", I smiled weakly. "You look...." (You look what? Oh crap! Why did I even start that sentence? I was so flustered, I couldn't control my own speech. The silence lingering after the beginning of that sentence began to reach awkward levels).

He smiled and chuckled again, "Not what you expected, huh?"

"OH THANK YOU", I shouted in my head. "THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME OUT WITH THIS! I kind of forgive you. Kind of". I just giggled nervously. At this point he was helping me into my car. I had two options here - put the pedal to the medal and get the HECK out of there or just be pleasant, see this as "a little extra excitement" in my life and LEARN MY DANG LESSON!!!

"So, where should we go eat?" he asked.

I didn't realize he was going to leave that to me...like he did everything else. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. I had no idea what was around that part of town, but I knew I didn't want to go far. I knew I wanted to keep this short and sweet and get back to the safety and comfort of my little cardboard box of an apartment.

"Oh, what's around here?" I asked.

"Don't really know", he laughed and shrugged his shoulders. He reached his hand over and touched my shirt sleeve. "You look REALLY nice. I've never been out with such a hottie before". He laughed his grovely laugh again. It was like being on a date with the devil himself. He might as well have said, "TRAPPED YA! HA! You pathetic, desperate, stupid little girl."

After driving down a major road for a few minutes, an upscale restaurant appeared off to the left. "Oooh. Let's do that one", he said, pointing across my face, temporarily obstructing my view. I jerked my head around his arm so I could see the road.

"Oh. Okay", I yelped. Traffic was busy and I was already flustered. I pulled into the driveway of the restaurant and took note of the people going inside. They were all dressed nice. And I didn't see any piercings on any of them. I was dressed appropriately for this restaurant, but not my date. I was so flustered by his face, I didn't even really notice what he was wearing - until now. A white, somewhat holey T-shirt with some 70s band faded across the front, a pair of over-sized black jeans that flared out so far at the bottom, it was almost like he had a big skirt complete with petticoat on. And the chains. OH, the chains. They were massive, thick chains hanging out everywhere off of those pants, disappearing into various pockets. I seriously didn't even want to know what was on the ends of those things.

"I think we might be a bit under dressed", I so unnecessarily stated. Did he seriously not realize? Was he THAT clueless?

"Nah. You look nice", he said, brushing his hand against my cheek. It took every effort not to shudder. At this point in my life I was too much of a shrinking violet to point out the issues and stick up for myself. I sighed and we exited my car, heading to what felt like doomsday. How would I get through dinner? Oh, the stares we'd receive. Would they even let us in? I was already humiliated. I wanted to drop dead right there. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

We approached the front entrance greeter. "Hey, dude. What's the wait here?" I heard the voice speaking next to me. The voice that once pleased me now made me cringe in disgust. I couldn't even look. I didn't want to see the greeter's reaction. I stared intentionally oblivious off to my left.

"We're booked here tonight, Sir", I heard the voice like an angel from Heaven above.

BEST NEWS I'D RECEIVED ALL DAY!!!!!

We exited quickly. "Hmph. Well. That's no good. Let's just drive around and find another place", my date whined.

We got in the car and pulled back out onto the main road. All I could think of was, "Please don't let there be another nice restaurant along this journey tonight. I can't take that again".

Suddenly it hit me. Years ago, in my wilder days (nothing compared to THIS guy's, I had a feeling), I had hit a few concerts at "George And Dragon", a scuzzy bar/pool hall/attempt at Mideival formal dining experience dive in downtown Phoenix. It wasn't far from where we were. It's the only place I could think of where my date wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb.

So, I survived it. I spent the next hour trying not to gag on my mince and tatties, as I mostly ignored my heavily pierced and tatted companion shoveling down his bangers and mash. At least nobody stared at us. Well...they did a little. We were about as freakish as Marilyn Manson and his latest fling, Evan Rachel Wood (you know, that innocent looking, barely legal, fair-skinned little actress?)


Trust me! I learned my lesson that day. NEVER AGAIN!!!!

Oh, and if you're wondering about the whole law school thing - yeah - I should have listened to what he told me over the phone because he didn't lie. He said he had "applied" and was "preparing" to go. Nothing in there about being accepted. Over dinner he said something like, "I don't know if I'm gonna go for sure. It's a lot of work. I kind of like my job now. It's pretty cool. The people are cool and stuff". YEAH! I guess it serves me right.